Ang galing ni John Malantovich!

Name That Lady On The Phone Contest
June 15, 2005

VILLA BEATRIZ MATANDANG BALARA, QUEZON CITY -- Do you see the
transcripts below, do you see? Who is she whom? Why did the Isafp did
it they? Presenting... The 2005 Name That Lady On The Phone Contest.
Katakam-katam prizes include 1 Night Rodic's Fine Dining with Ignacio
Bunye. 1/3 bottle Just Walking IF AND ONLY IF the 1/3 still exists.
And 101 DeeBeeDi Booooss Swedish Man2Man Criterion Collection. Send
all entries to pres.gloria@gmail.googleplex.com.

"Hello, hello, hello, Garci. So, will I still lead by more than 1M?
Hello, hello..." goes the hottest ring tone in all of
Nungcanungcaland.

But wait, there's more!

"Hello Ma'am?/ Hello, meron tayong statement of votes, ERs para sa
Sulu?/ Saan po Ma'am?/ Sulu, Sulu./ Oo Ma'am meron po./
Nagco-correspond?/ Oo Ma'am./ Kumpleto?/ Oo Ma'am. Lahat ho meron,
hindi po namin ika-count kung.... / Ok, ok."

"Hello/ Hello, Ma'am, good morning. Ok Ma'am, mas mataas ho siya pero
mag-compensate po sa Lanao yan./ So will I still lead by more than 1 M
overall?/ More or less, but it is still an advantage, Ma'am. Parang
ganun din ang lalabas./ Oo, pero it will not be less than 1M?/
Pipilitin ho natin yan. Pero, as of the other day, 982./ Kaya nga eh./
And then, if we can get more in Lanao./ Hindi pa ba tapos?/ Hindi pa
ho. Meron pa hong darating na 7 municipalities./ Ah, ok, ok./ Sige
po./ Ok, ok, ok..."

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Students Hurt In Collapse Of Classroom Floor
June 16, 2005

CITY OF SAN FERNANDO PAMPANGA, QUEZON CITY -- Thirty high school
students were injured after the wooden flooring of a Pampanga High
School classroom collapsed yesterday. The students were about to leave
after their Science class when half of the wooden floor caved in,
plunging them six feet below the structure and into two-foot deep
murky water (this is Pampanga you know, the land of Automatic
Seconds-Only Flash Floods). Some of the injured were buried under a
heavy pile of debris with a silent Ess, as in Esse esse carnal!

The damaged floor measured six by seven meters in the International
System of Units (SI) which is very hard to convert into the British
thermal unit (Btu), the meter being unrelated even in remoteness to
the calorie (cal). High-ranking personnel at the world-renowned (may
TV commercial hanggang Mindanaw) Manila Pest Control (MAPECON) believe
the floor could have been destroyed by termites REALLY.

The school building was aged to perfection at 74 years.

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Meanwhile, sa ating international news...

Bruce Wayne Celebrates 31st Birthday
June 17, 2005

GOTHAM CITY, QUEZON CITY -- Sa birthday party ni Bruce Wayne, present
ang Liam Neeson at surprise guests. Gigital zoom into live feed...

Qui-Gon Jinn (kay Batman Begins): You were my brightest student,
Bruce. You were my brightest student EVER! Walang biro, i SOOO wanted
you to lead the League of Shadows..

Obi-Wan Kenobi: But Master! You mean to say there is another one more
than me?? But 7 years ago you said i was DA ONE AND ONLY! Salawahan
kah did it hurt Lord DID IT HURT Aray!! Yaaahh!!!

Mag-fumigate ng environment si Obi-Wan Kenobi gamit ang lightsaber.
Vooooooooooooonk... Vooooooooooooonk...

Batman Begins: Hmmmppff!! Gin-lost ko guid an 60 lbs sa Machinist,
gin-gain ko guid an 100 lbs sa Batman, so how many kilograms guid ya
tanan Alex?? DI MO KO MA-FUMIGATE YAAAHH!!

Mag-talon-talon si Batman Begins using Stealth Tekkniks courtesy of
Ra's al Ghul Ken Watanabe of the white bigote.

Obi-Wan Kenobi: Vonk Vooonk... Scan please... Vooonk...

Katie Holmes (hinihingal from the BatCave): Oh Bruce, thank you so
much for the antiDOTT! Teka wait let me look at you a minute.. I know
now na! You look so much pala like my one and only Tom Cruise! Mmmm!!
Let's make lots of BatChildren!

Lucius Fox: ThanksLord the antiDOTT worked! I'm opening the box..
(Bubuksan ang box. Magugulat. Gulat na gulat.) John Doe has the upper
hand.. Mills! (Tatakbo.) Throw your gun down!

John Doe: Are you listening to me Detective? I'm trying to tell you
how much i admire you. And your pretty wife Tracy. I visited your home
this morning. I tried to play husband. I tried to taste the life of a
simple man. It didn't work out. So i took a souvenir..

Lucius Fox: Mills.. Mills..

Mr Smith: Wott the fokk's he tokkin aboot? Wott's goin oan over dere?

Lucius Fox: Put the gun down Mills..

Mr Smith: Wott's in the boks?? Oh wott's in the boks?? WOTT'S IN THE
FOKKIN BOKS??

John Doe: He just told you.

Mr Smith: You lie! You're a fokkin liar! Mrs Smith is homm kokkin
dinner!!

Lucius Fox: He wants you to shoot him Mills.. Put your gun down..

Mr Smith: Nooo!!! You tell me.. You tell me that it's not true.. It's
not true. She's olrayt.. You tell me.. Tell me she's oki olrayt.

Lucius Fox: If you murder a suspect, David...

John Doe: She begged for her life Detective. She begged for her life
and for the life of the baby inside of her.

Mr Smith: NOOO!! (Magiging autistic. Pero gwapo pa rin.)

Lucius Fox: David, if you kill him, he will win..

Mr Smith: Oh God OH GOD OH!!!

Bang!!!
Bang bang bang!!
Bang bang!!
Paktay si Kevin Spacey.

Helicopter Police: Oh God, he shot him! Holy Christ! Somebody call
somebody! I know na, call Saputsapotman!!

Saputsapotman (sawa na kay Darna): San si Katie Holmes?? AHA!! I know
you Dawson's Creek.. I know you First Daughter.. BatChildren pala ha!
I made tali you before.. I make tali you again! Make a BEBE!!
(Hihingang malalim. Magco-concentrate.) Saputsapot power...
HUMMMPPTT!!


1. qualified information - mga bagay na tanging KeeGeebi lang ang
nakakaalam
May Top Secret news si Manang Rona:
"What i am about to tell you is qualified information..."

2. John Malantovich - magaling na aktor, mukhang praning; malaki ang
papel sa Being John Malantovich
Natuwa ang Alipio at Yoli sa pinanood nilang DVD.
Alipio: Ang galing ni Sally Field dun Brod.
Yoli: Oo! Tapos si Malantovich din..

3. M/F - Monday or Friday
May logbook sa gym ng Intel. Kailangang sulatan ang fields na Name M/F
In Out. Nasulat na ni Tin ang kanyang pangalan, pati Time In. Yung M/F
na lang.
Tin: Anong araw ngayon?
Mitz: Tuesday.
Tin: Eh puro sila M F!
Yoli: Ah...

4. dalihan - The Reason
Alam ni Mitz ang tekkniks ni Tin sa WowFood:
Mitz (kay Alipio): Dinalihan ka ng anak mo sa chicharon, natuwa!

5. Million Dollar Movie - ang pinakamahal na deebeedi sa balat ng
Quiapo
Kung di lang makalimutin si Alipio, marami na syang naipahiram na DVD.
MatSci Girl #1: Kuya Al, dala mo yung hihiramin ko?
Alipio: Nalimutan ko eh..
MatSci Girl #2: Ano ba yun?
MatSci Girl #1: Yung Million Dollar..
MatSci Girl #2: Ah, Million Dollar Movie.

6. Spiderweb - special ability ni Spiderman at Saputsapotman, at ng
Vulture sa Starcraft
Concerned si Mitz sa The Games Mando Plays:
"Ilang spiderweb ba ang binabagsak ng Vulture?"

7. Hikaido - ang dating Hokaido Spanish sardines
Napapag-usapan ang Athlete's Food Spanish sardines.
Kit: Parang ayaw ko ng Spanish sardines kasi may nalasahan ako nung
bata ako..
Alipio: Masarap yan kasi Victoria's.
Yoli: Baka Hikaido yung natikman mo.
Al: Ano? Anong sinabi mo?
Yoli: (Magtatakip ng bibig.) Hikaido.. Uuuyy.. Mali ba?

Yun na. Alam na.
Tawanan ang mag-amang Garcia.

8. Baygon - ang the only rechargable hi-tech lamok spray
Magpapabili si Mitz ng refill ng Baygon, kaso di nya maalala kung ano
yun.
Mitz: Atsaka ibili mo ako Kit nung.. Ah.. Ah..
Dong: (Aasarin si Mitz dahil di nya alam.) Anong klase.. Yung
rechargable na Baygon!
Mitz: Rechargable pala ha! Lagot ka kay Melo.

9. Benigno Aquino - contrary to popular belief, kakamatay lang ni Ninoy
Patay na si Teddy Benigno. At updated ang Yoli.
Yoli: Oy, patay na si Benigno Aquino.
Alipio: Ah.. Junior o senior?
Yoli: Ay..

Yun na. Alam na.

10. Starwars - ang paboritong laro ni Alex at Mando, na noo'y tinawag
na Starcraft
Maraming pampalipas-oras si Yoli. That 70s Show DivX.. DVD Booooss..
Computer games..
Yoli: Hindi na nilagyan ng Starwars yung computer ko.. Ay..
(Tatakpan ang bibig.)
Melo: (Laging alisto.) Ano pala ang sasabihin mo dapat?
Yoli: Hinde.. Wala..
Melo: Sige na, di naman namin isasali dahil may sakit ka eh.
Yoli: Starcraft.
Totz: Hahaha! Isama mo bai!
Melo: Sorry na lang Yoli.

Yun na. Nag-sorry na.

11. balahibo - ang buhok ni Clint sa ulo
Ang childhood memories ni Alipio a long long time ago.
Al: Yung kaibigan ko nung elementary, ang hilig maligo sa ilog. Galit
na yung nanay nya. Pinuntahan sa ilog, hinila sya sa buhok. Eh
andaming linta Brod. Kita mo yung buhok o, tanggal.
Clint: (Feel na feel ang kwento ni Alipio.) Tumayo balahibo ko dun ah.
(Sabay himas ng buhok sa ulo.)

12. carnapper - yung nangangarnap ng bus
Kita pa rin naman ni Rainier ang bintana ng bus.
Rainier: Wala na palang kurtina at tint ang mga bus ngayon ano?
Intel Inside #1: Syempre naman, para ma-discourage ang carnappers.
Tin: Umm.. Oo.. Di ba wala namang busnappers?

13. tubig - masarap na potaheng kayang lutuin ni Clint
Nagpapakape si Clint.
Clint: Sinong kape? Taas kamay.
Melo: Ay ako yan!
Tin: Ito na lang Clint.. (Iaabot ang tasa kay Melo.)
Melo: Andami pa nito ah..
Tin: Eh dagdagan nya na lang ng tubig, para di na sya magluto.

14. six - ang bilang ng daliri sa ating kamay, sa original na plano ng
Dyos
Napapag-usapan ang credit card ng BPI.
Alipio: Paano sila kumikita sa S.I.P.?
Yoli: Ano.. Pag di ka nakabayad agad.. Kunyari six months to pay di
ba.. (Ii-illustrate ang six months sa pamamagitan ng kanang kamay.)

But wait!
Five fingers lang si Yoli doon.

Alipio: Ahahaha! Brod, six months daw!
Melo: Ehehehehe.
Yoli: Oy hinde.. Sige ka, pano mo isusulat yun?! Oh well..

15. motto - motif
Naglilinis ng office sina Gio alias Saputsapotman. May isang table na
may wrapper na kulay blue plus may nakapatong na seashells.
Al (co-teacher ni Gio): Yaaan, para maganda motto natin!

16. malungkit - sad
Despidida party na ni Tin.
Mitz: Tin Tin.. Tingin ka dito. Malungkit ka ba?

17. Globe - ang dating Nokia Made in China
Low batt na ang telepono ni Rainier.
Rainier: Sinong may charger ng Globe?
Alipio: Hahahahaha.
Rainier: Oy not counted! Birthday ko!

18. Naked Women 33 1/3 - ang pinakamagandang pelikula ni Leslie Nielsen
Napapag-usapan ang mga walang kwentang DeeBeeDi Booooss.
Clint: Ayaw ko yung Survival Island. Saka Naked Women.

19. Topher Grace - ang pinakamatandang twentysomething sa Traffic at
In Good Company
Nasa That 70s Show din si Topher Grace. Ico-compute ni Yoli ang edad
nya.
Yoli: Kung 17 sya nung 1970s..
Mitz: Ano??
Melo: So bale 30plus na sya ngayon ano? Pero ambata-bata nya pa rin
tingnan.. I know now na! Gumagamit sya ng Oil of Olay!

20. Kano - mga taong nakatira sa Canada
May trabaho na si Pen.
Melo: Musta trabaho Pen?
Pen: Ok lang. Masaya. Daming gwapong Kano eh.
Melo: Ah, sa webcam?
Pen: Hinde, training pa lang kami. Mga boss kasi namin Canadian.
Rainier: (Nagda-drive.) Hahahahaha!
Yoli: (Walang magawa. Ngingiti na lang.)
Melo: Aha, Villanuyba Power!

21. apat - ang bilang ng bwan sa isang linggo
Di na madalas si Mitz sa Cavite:
"Nag-stay lang ako sa boarding house namin sa Cavite 2days a month,
8days a week."

22. Chino Trinidad - ang pinakamahusay na bilingual commentator sa NBA
on SolarSports
Nasa byaheng San Antonio-Detroit-Vice-Versa si Chino at Dr J.
Chino: Ayan na naman si Hamilton, Dr J... Nagrereklamo na naman... Ang
tip ko lang sayo Rip Hamilton, if you can understand Tagalog, is. Stop
whining and play the game!!"

Ang husay mag-Tagalog! Parang Inggles!

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Gotterfield Wilhelm von Leibnitz, 1702:
The imaginary numbers are a wonderful flight of God's spirit; they are
almost an amphibian between being and not being.

Edgar I Love Andrew Wiles Escultura, 1998:
But imaginary numbers are unlearnables, Wilhelm!!

Alexander doble con Geisha, 2005:
Never mind unlearnability. Suppose that they are indeed amphibians..
What we should really ask ourselves is.. Are they everywhere
amphidextrous ha??


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